In past Thursday Thirteens I have lamented the fate of Food Network and chronicled the antics of what has come to be known “Food Network’s Bobblehead Brigade”. For those interested, I did not coin that phrase, nor is “bobblehead brigade” exclusive to the new crop of Food TV celebrities. It’s also being used to describe the current crop of celeb-deb’s, such as Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, et-al, as well, it seems as quite a few members of the republican party, including Anne Coulter. (Whom i would not call a bobblehead, but rather a mean spirited, vindictive and uninspired individual with need of therapy.) I will of course restrict this dissertation to those I include in the FN stables as part of their ongoing attempt to reduce the culinary arts to “something a home cook can handle”.

I’m not sure who decides what a home cook can handle. I know that as for myself, a béchamel is made from memory, a hollandaise requires only a glance at the recipe, and more complicated dishes can and will be tackled with gusto. Just because I choose to drink a beer after work does not mean that I can’t rate a fine wine, or don’t enjoy it when paired correctly. It also doesn’t mean I’m going to buy an Alton Brown salt cellar because I have any remote thought that owning his product will somehow make me cook like him. (I am gonna’ buy the thing, but I’m gonna buy it because I think it’s really nice, and it comes in colors… It’s a weakness, I know.)

While I may be unsure which airhead in production decides what I can handle on my cook top, I am sure as to the criteria I use to include a member of the celeb elite chefs and cooks on Food Network or her sister channels to rank of “bobblehead”. It’s time I share those criteria with you, so that you’ll know where I’m coming from.

It’s not that I’m cruel or bitter, I’ve just had far better examples of what a cooking show host should be teaching me. (Think Julia Child, Martin Yan, Mario Batali and the like.) And for those who have commented that some of the bobbleheads are actually very culinarily talented, please note:

I’ve never said that “all” food network bobbleheads were talentless, nor will I. Giada Delaurentis can cook, but She’s still a bobblehead. I get to say so, they’re my rules.

I’ll post more commentary at the end, but for now, let’s dive in, shall we?

Thirteen ways to become a member of the “Bobblehead Brigade”

1. Having a head that is disproportionately large for your body is not necessarily an immediate qualifier. Having a head that is disproportionately large for your body while possessing a smile large enough to be used as a reflective surface for lunar experiments and making strange facial expressions while nodding exaggeratedly, is.
2. Basing the concept of your show on someone else’s idea, claiming that it is, in fact, your own idea, then proving that you have no concept of the actual execution of said idea is an immediate qualifier. It’s also decidedly unintelligent, but hey, someone liked the idea.
3. Inventing new jazzy ways of saying a product name is pretty much a sure fire way to get into the bobblehead brigade. This is not an indicator of cooking skill, but I’ve been exposed to so much “kitsch” that I’ll automagically add you under the next rule of admission. I understand that every family has their own terms for some food items, and this will negate this entry rule. (i.e. “sandwich”, “sammich”, sammie” or other variations of this type.)
4. You will not attempt to gain fame using someone else’s proven method, you have to do it using your own talent. Attempting in any manner to be Rachael Ray will grant you automatic admission to the bobblehead brigade, with deductions in points for attempting to steal the unofficial Den mother’s fire.
5. Wearing any blouse that exposes more than 30% of your cleavage will not guarantee admission, but it will get me thinking about it. It should also be noted that you should use a mirror and an honest eye before going in front of the camera, you may look more foolish than appealing. (This rule does not apply to male members of the bobblehead brigade.)
   
6. Describing each and every food item served up on your show with the same four terms will grant immediate acceptance to the bobblehead brigade, but also into the annals of simpledom. There are 988,968 words in the English language*. Choose yours wisely.
7. Attempting to “dumb down” any program to fit the perceived abilities of the “home cook” will grant immediate admission to the bobblehead brigade. Please do remember that you can make very elegant dishes in a simple manner. This has been demonstrated for years on the very same network you are now denuding of personality by such talents as Sara Moulton, Mario Batali, Emeril Lagasse and Bobby Flay just to name a few, try learning from your mentors.
8. Hosting any food show from a set (diner mock up, hotel lobby, etc) while never leaving the studio as a mechanism for simply re-using old clips from episodes of other shows grants immediate entry into the bobblehead brigade. (note that this rule applies mostly to male bobbleheads, but is not exclusive)
9. Color coordinating every prop on your shows set to match your blouse is an immediate admission. It is also an affront to good taste. Please do not continue this practice. Also. Table decorations for a formal dinner setting should never be purchased at the dollar tree. this simply shows that you have no respect for your guests, not that you have some strange chotski talent that we were un-aware of.
   
10. Talking about absolutely nothing as a segue between actions will gain the attention of the panel, but will not guarantee admission into the brigade. Speaking of nothing while waving a sharp instrument will gain instant bobblehead status, and may also cost you an ear.
11. A “Deer-in-the-headlights” expression will not be considered a factor for admission into the bobblehead brigade, unless accompanied by a rambling, incoherent monologue that obviously has nothing to do with the foodstuff or method being discussed. In the event that the monologue is in fact relevant to the foodstuff or method in question, said expression will only be accepted as an admission requirement if, and only if the information given is dead wrong and presented with a vacuous smile.
12. Going all “diva” is an instant admission. Remember, you’re only as popular as we say you are. If you get snooty, you’ll end up like Miss Martha sooner or later, and will then have a place in the bobblehead hall of shame, as well as being despised by millions of formerly adoring fans.
    
13. Last, but not least by any any means; You are granted admission into the bobblehead brigade when, and if, I SAY So. As the sole member of the CbsoP! selection committee, I reserve the right to include or exclude any celebrity chef or celebrity cook from the roster as I see fit. One act of bobbleheadedness is not enough to gain any person permanent membership, as every celebrity has those moments, just like the rest of us. This final rule is immutable, and with that, I leave the floor open to suggestions from my readers as to whom they feel should be added to the list.

There you have it folks. The criteria by which I place and/or remove people from the ranks of the bobblehead brigade. The roster is finite, but my choices are my own, and you are, of course, free to disagree with any of them.

Until next week, happy TT!

References.

Language Monitor: Source for number of words in the English language.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

• Leave your comments and you’ll automagically add you to the “Thank you” list. Thanks to Nancy for pointing out the plugin to me!

Twenty-six things about Food Network’s Rachael Ray

Welcome back to CbsoP’s near-weekly installment of the Thursday Thirteen. This weeks edition is a special one indeed, seeing as it is the thirteenth, TT done here, so I’ve decided to turn my attention to the one Food Network celebrity that I find myself at odds over. For most celebrities I find that I either love them, hate them, or can live without them. It’s rare that I find myself in a love/hate relationship with someone on my television screen, but that is the case with Rachael Ray.

In all fairness, I couldn’t do just one TT about Ray-Ray, so for my thirteenth thirteen, I decided to double up and give a bonus thirteen as well. I suppose you could call this a Thursday Twenty-six, but that doesn’t fit the rules.

Of Food TV’s stable of celebs, there are a few names that nearly everyone knows. Emeril, Bobby, Mario, Sarah, Paula, Giada, Nigella, Tony and of course, the powerhouse leader of the Food TV Bobblehead Brigade, Miss Rachael Ray.

Though I don’t consider Ray-Ray to actually be a bobblehead, it’s very clear to me that most of the rest of the bobblehead brigade was formed by Food network in a strange sort of homage to the success Rachael has experienced. In this way they have inadvertently given Ray-Ray the title of “Mother of all Bobbleheaded food hosts“. I think they are somehow trying to recreate Rachael’s personality, vivaciousness, or just plain kitschy appeal. They haven’t made it with anyone yet (though Ingrid Hoffman comes close, in her own unique way), but they do keep trying, don’t they.

Rachael herself is a bit of an anachronism. there are some things I love about her shows, and some things that I despise. Rachael herself was Sooo much fun at first. Literally a breath of fresh air on the FTV lineup, but as time goes on, things change, and so do perceptions.

And no, ladies and gents, I won’t be delving into her husband here. Miss Ray handled the whole affair well in my opinion, and it’s not something I care to conjecture on. Whatever happened, the fact is that the public will most likely never know the truth, and to be honest, I just don’t think it’s any of my business.

Without further ado, my double Thirteen for the week!

Thirteen things I love about Rachael Ray:

1. Rachael is real. Whether on her new talk show, in interviews with others or hosting her own show, Rachael Ray is simply Rachael Ray. To me that’s an accomplishment in itself, and it’s something to be admired.
2. She’s just… Well… CUTE! Not in any kind of lecherous way (for me at least). I just think she’s got that “girl next door” thing going on, and with everything else that Ray-Ray is, it’s just freaking adorable!
3. In my opinion the Thirty Minute Meal concept came just at the right time. America has re-embraced cooking, and Ray-Ray was at the forefront of the more “domestic” part of that movement. I think Rachael can safely take credit for many-many families eating a home cooked meal instead of something that ends in “Helper”.
4. I love Rachael’s personality. she’s the type of person who has a personality index officially registered with the National Weather Service as a force of nature, and I’d give her a category 3. (My sister is another one of those people.)
5. Tips, tricks and shortcuts. At least for the first few seasons, Ray-Ray was a wealth of good little tips on how to crank up the daily chore of getting dinner to the table with a bit of speed and some amount of flair. Neat little tips like “Wash everything and have it ready to work for you when you do your big shopping for the week” have saved me a lot of time over the years. (I still don’t pre-wash my potatoes, though.)
6. Bubble-ocity. Rachael gets all bubbly and excited when she’s making something that she actually enjoys. That kind of excitement is contagious, and should be a prerequisite for any TV cook. (note: you’ll find it in Emeril, Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, Robert Irvine, Alton brown and Tyler Florence.)
   
7. I love the fact that Rachael cooks like a real person. A lack of chef’s training is not a reason to dislike a cook, and Rachael’s running commentary on the mistake she just made, coupled with her good humor on the subject, has always been refreshing to me. It feels real… How many times have you been working on something in the kitchen only to realize you’ve just gone from caramelized to “blackened”? (I’ve done it a few several a bunch of times!)
8. Maybe it’s a silly reason to like someone, but Rachael’s absolutely OCD nature in never taking more than one trip around her kitchen is just endearing as heck to me. Not only is it a true view into her quirky nature, but its kind of exciting to watch in the process!
9. She’s a trooper. Rachel’s done several shows on “sicky food” and during those shows she was obviously feeling under the weather, but she was still hanging in there. Many of her bobblehead-wannabee followers would have taken the day off to lie in bed with their cocktails until they felt better.
10. Rachael is family oriented. Perhaps it’s odd that I find this trait so appealing, but I simply identify better with a person who reminisces about family when he or she cooks. I know that most people in my family do the same thing. We talk about where we first tried something, what we felt about it, and who was at the table at the time. For me food and family are inseparable, and the same seems true for Rachael.
11. She’s not afraid to let the store do some of the work for her. Rachael has never been shy in admitting that she’ll happily buy pre-washed veggies, or pre-sliced mushrooms. Don’t we all? Granted, if I’m making something extremely special, I’ll opt for buying everything completely fresh (My Chili is one of those recipes), but on most occasions, I’ll reach for frozen broccoli over fresh, since I’m never without a ton of it in the freezer. And I can’t sing the praises of frozen spinach highly enough! (Unlike one of her wanna bees, who seems to think that the store has already done all of the work for you… Must be those cocktails again…)
    
12. Rachael likes to laugh, and does so unapologetically. She’d rather have fun with it than lament if it went wrong, and she does her best to find the humor in any situation. I wish I was more like that at times, though I try to be.
13. Last, but certainly not the least of the reasons I love Rachael Ray… She kicked Giada’s Butt on Iron chef! It’s the third time I’ve ever seen a cook beat a chef on the show, and that includes the original Japanese version, where a Chinese cooking show host blew away Chen Kenichi in his own signature cuisine. Part of the win might have been that giada was mismatched with Bobby Fla, but from looking over the results, I would have picked Rachael, too. The fact that she was obviously terrified just made the victory more satisfying.

Now to the other end of the spectrum…
Thirteen things I hate about Rachael Ray

1. Maximum overexposure. This one isn’t necessarily Rachael’s fault, but like so many other popular media types, Ray-Ray’s producers and publishers have literally buried us under an avalanche of Rachael. Not only is she on Food TV four times daily, but now there’s the talk show, the magazine, the displays in every store from The Mega-Mart to your bookstore of choice… TONE IT DOWN A BIT, Please!
2. Wardrobe. I don’t know who picks out the clothes that Miss Ray wears on some of her shows, but whoever it is needs to find a new day job. On one episode she’ll be in a very flattering Asian inspired top, only to be on again in a few minutes wearing a top that could only be called appropriate for a pre-teen. Ummm, Rachael, have you noticed that you actually have a figure?
3. Overblown kitsch. OK, I’ll admit it was cute for the first few seasons, but it’s beginning to sound forced when she spouts one of her Rachael-isms now. I mean really, how many times can you say E-V-O-O without just wishing you’d never coined the phrase, let alone trying to find something “cute” to giggle about on every show, and then having to come up with kitschy little names for her dishes. (Specifics evade me here, I’ve heard so many over the years that they’ve all blended together)
4. Familiarity overload. When Rachael started on 30 minute meals, she introduced herself with “Hi, I’m Rachael Ray, and I make 30 Minute Meals…” that’s gone over to “Hey guys, it’s Me!”, “You know me. I ‘m the burger queen…”, “You all Know I have a weakness for…” and I just don’t like it as well. It makes the assumption that you already know all about Rachael, and I’m sure there are some people who don’t… Not that I know of any, but still…
5. Recipe doldrums. It seems that Rachael’s producers and publicists have her so overloaded with other things that she’s has a severe lack of creativity on the 30 minute meals front. lately it seems that most of her recipes are simply reworked versions of season one’s offerings, and it shows in the fact that Ray-Ray isn’t all that excited about them.
6. The kitchen makeover disaster. Rachael’s new set reminds me of something I would have seen in the spaceport kitchen from 2001 – A space Odyssey. the colors are horrid, do nothing to show off anything other than her relationship with the Furi knife company, unless she just loves Orange… And i mean REALLY, REALLY loves Orange… What were they thinking!?!
7. Cuteness over content. Lately it seems that someone has told Ray-Ray that all she really needs to do is say E-V-O-O a few times, and make sure to give everything in the skillet a good “Jooosh”, and nobody will notice that they stole the recipe from Sandra Lee, then changed the ratio. (30% store-bought to 70% homemade, whereas Sandy does it the other way ’round) Just be cute and no one will notice… Well, we’re noticing, and it’s kind of nauseating.
8. $40.00 a day… Ugh! Can anyone say “staged”? Rigged? How ’bout just “horrible” and we’ll leave it at that
9. And again with Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels. I suppose it’s a good enough show if you’re the type who prefers the same sorts of things that Rachael does, but for my money, she’s missed out on some darned great places in most of the towns she’s visited, including my home town of Sonoma, where she skipped what I know darned well are some of the best restaurants in the area, and places where you can easily eat for less than $15.00 per meal… I wonder who picks the places she eats at?
10. Rachael as talk show host… Aren’t you supposed to let your guests talk? Ray-Ray gets all excited and all-of-a-sudden starts gesticulating wildly and talking over the person she just asked a question of… She’s getting better, but Whoa! I haven’t seen that since Joan Rivers!
11. Hand Talking. I know there are Italians in Rachael’s direct family line, but she takes even that stereotype into over hyperactive mode. I honestly do believe if you tied her hands behind her back she would have difficulty speaking, which wouldn’t bother me except that her hand motions are so over-exaggerated that she sometimes reminds me of old Popeye the Sailor cartoons.
12. Dee-Lish! Although this is a Ray-Ray-ism, which is covered next, it’s the one that makes my ears bleed and siphons a tiny piece of my soul into TV Hell. Each time I hear her say it, I cringe. The only thing I can imagine that’s worse than Rachael swooning in mock orgasmic pleasure and moaning Deee-Lish! would be seeing either Giada or Sandra Lee have a wardrobe malfunction a-la Janet Jackson, at which point you will probably hear me clearly in your respective place of residence screaming “My Eyes! My Eyes!” as I run around the house in panicked blindness! <That last thought is frightening, I must get coffee… BRB>OK, I’m back… where were we?
13. Ray-Ray-isms: It’s just gotten to be too much. There are too-too many of them! I realize that different people call things by different names, but Miss Ray seems to have invented her own sub language, and with her Oprah-like power, has even managed to get one of those terms officially recognized by the Oxford American College Dictionary! so folks, calling Extra Virgin Olive Oil EVOO is totally acceptable now, in fact, I’ve added it to my spell checker already. Next we’ll have “stoup” (It’s thicker than a soup, but thinner than a stew), “Jooosh” (To stir or nudge around in the pan), “Sammie” (for sandwich. Instead, of course of the proper pronunciation of “SAMMICH” ..(i.e. “woman go make me a sammich!) and yes, ladies, it’s a joke I share with my wife, who generally kicks off her shoes and bounds into the kitchen shouting “And I’m barefoot, too!”) What’s next? A picture of Ray-Ray next to the definition of “Kitsch” in the encyclopedia?!?

This is the conundrum I find myself in on a daily basis. I both adore and despise this person on many levels, but mostly I find that I just have to watch her, which is kind of disturbing, as if there are subliminal messages playing in the background. I think that if they would simply put her on a few less times a day, I would get over the aversions and go back to liking her, but I doubt that will happen any time soon.In next weeks installment of the Thursday Thirteen, I will finally define the members of the bobblehead brigade and why I include them. You’re gonna want to catch that one!

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