You’ll note that I’m alternating my TT’s on the Food Network stable of Celebs. I will continue switching between those I like and those I find to be a complete waste of time and resources until I run out of one or the other. This week’s topic is the latter.

This week’s Thursday Thirteen continues my opinions about Food network’s stable of bobbleheaded food assemblers. Note I do not call this woman a chef. I wouldn’t go so far as to call her a cook. No one on Food Network annoys me as quickly or causes a dose of nausea as quickly as Food TV’s Sandra lee, a.k.a “Aunt Sandy” and “Auntie Slop”.

Unlike some of the other bobbleheads, Sandra Lee doesn’t even manage to lend any significant skill to her work. (And while I may find Giada DeLaurentis annoying ass H@ll, I’ll be the first to admit she’s a very good cook!) Watching her program is somewhat akin to coming out of a three day drinking binge to a killer hangover and attempting to treat it with shots of NyQuell mixed with a shot of Jägermeister, and all the nausea that one would expect from that combination.

So here we go. Thirteen things I can’t stand about Sandra Lee

1. The old rule about never trusting a skinny chef doesn’t even begin to cover this woman. Sandra stopped being skinny and moved into the world of anorexic a long while back. This is most likely because her primary source of dietary nutrition comes from her cocktails, not the absolute slop she unleashes upon unsuspecting housewives everywhere.
   
2. Sandra’s vocal rhythm is totally grating. The best comparison I can give is that she must be the bastard child of William Shatner and a high-school cheerleader named “Bambi”.
   
3. Sandra is the epitome of cheesy New Money. I would not at all be surprised to see her walk into a room and greet her host with: “Donna Darrrrr-ling! Kiss-Kiss! How are you!” (Gaag!)
   
4. The very idea that the “Semi Homemade” concept is Sandra’s and Sandra’s Alone is not only a complete fallacy, it’s outright megalomania. I don’t know how you grew up, but my mother constantly added fresh ingredients to sore-bought items, both to come up with something different, and to stretch those ingredients enough to feed her family. The same went for parties, where our antipasto trays were 100% store-bought, and 100% hand prepared, but I guarantee there was a sour-cream dressing packet used somewhere!
5. Sandra loves to refer to herself as “Aunt Sandy” when talking about her nieces and nephews, which should be a wonderful thing, but sounds just slightly creepy when she’s whipping up a kids menu that almost invariably involves something that could injure a child if they weren’t supervised very, very carefully. And I’m not trusting her to do the monitoring, especially since the menu generally involves an “adult cocktail” for Aunt Sandy, so that she can remain oblivious to that annoying thing everyone else calls “reality”
6. While other chefs try to describe the flavors of their food with terms like “smoky, buttery, nutty and tart”, Sandra prefers to use a more down to earth method of non-description. In just one episode you’ll get to experience the thrills and chills that come along with such descriptive flavor terms as “Yummy, Nummy, Ooooh,-Yum! and Fantastic”. I mean, it really gets you into the mood for canned something or other covered in prepackaged instant something-else, doesn’t it?
7. Does anyone in the world follow Sandra’s lead by redecorating their entire home for each and every gathering? For each episode of Semi-Homemade cooking, her studio kitchen is completely color coordinated to match whatever her inspiration for the show happened to be that day, and Aunt Sandy arrives dressed in completely matching attire, as though she’s trying to camouflage herself so as not to be seen against the barrage of overpriced baubles that overflow the entire set.
8. I honestly believe Sandra Lee walks through her entire day in a drunken haze. On each and every episode, her viewers will go to the last commercial with this bobblehead’s mating call of: “And when we come back, it’s my favorite time of the day, It’s cocktail time!” And when I say cocktail, I’m not talking about your run of the mill girly-girl drink that you would expect from this vacuum-powered blond. These drinks would put a full grown man under a table in a snap, with ingredients lists that read something like “A half bottle of vodka, a half bottle of rum, and a splash of orange juice”. (Whatwasshat, Shandra? <Uuuuuuuurp!>.)
9. Sandra’s opening catchphrase is “Welcome to Semi-Homemade, Where everything is quick and everything is easy.” What she should have said was “If you don’t feel like the people you’re cooking for are worth your time, try this! they’ll never come back again.”
10. Tablescape. I’ll never be able to hear that word again without feeling a bit nauseous. I’m not sure what kind of budget Miss Slop thinks the rest of us have, but I personally am not going to spend somewhere close to $400.00 on table decorations for a single party. Of course, I’ll give her credit for the effort, but to quote Dolly Parton, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap”
11. Sandra stated in a Food network interview that she attended culinary school, but became frustrated when she realized that you could buy everything they were teaching her to make from scratch right in the grocery store. The interview did not state whether she completed her culinary training, but I’m going to have to assume that she decided Knorr and Lipton Mixes were the better alternative to culinary success, since she seems to have little or no culinary knowledge whatsoever. (Case in point, describing Gorgonzola as “like a bleu cheese”… Ummmmm, Sandy, Gorgonzola is a bleu cheese.)
12. Sandra does have a talent, however. She’s mastered the art of bouncing her head off of her shoulders when speaking in true “dumb blond” fashion. (We’re back to that bastard child thing). I’m sure she thinks that it makes her look cute, what with her “I’m just a girl from the Midwest in my Mary-Ann braids” demeanor, but it actually comes across like she has a rather serious tick that should be treated before someone gets injured.
13. Lastly, but certainly not the least of the reasons I can’t stand this woman. Sandra actually buys into this “semi-homemade” philosophy as though the rest of the world is missing something if they don’t take the time to learn the proper way to do something before diving in and finding shortcuts! I’m not against grabbing a box of Zaterains out of the pantry and having some dirty rice from a mix (with sausage added, thank-you-very-much!), it’s good, and I didn’t have to slave over it while I was slaving over the main course, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to figure it out for myself as well!

In conclusion, Sandra Lee is simply another symptom of Food Network’s newfound belief that America doesn’t actually want to have to LEARN ANYTHING to find culinary bliss, a fact that is sadly evident in recent choices like the cancellation of Molto Mario and other “stand up” cooking shows. Apparently they think we’d rather “keep it simple, keep it stunning, and always… keep it Semi-Homemade.”

Not this kid. I’ll take my reruns of Mario on Fine Living, Thank you.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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