Criteria necessary for inclusion in the “Bobblehead Brigade”

In past Thursday Thirteens I have lamented the fate of Food Network and chronicled the antics of what has come to be known “Food Network’s Bobblehead Brigade”. For those interested, I did not coin that phrase, nor is “bobblehead brigade” exclusive to the new crop of Food TV celebrities. It’s also being used to describe the current crop of celeb-deb’s, such as Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, et-al, as well, it seems as quite a few members of the republican party, including Anne Coulter. (Whom i would not call a bobblehead, but rather a mean spirited, vindictive and uninspired individual with need of therapy.) I will of course restrict this dissertation to those I include in the FN stables as part of their ongoing attempt to reduce the culinary arts to “something a home cook can handle”.

I’m not sure who decides what a home cook can handle. I know that as for myself, a béchamel is made from memory, a hollandaise requires only a glance at the recipe, and more complicated dishes can and will be tackled with gusto. Just because I choose to drink a beer after work does not mean that I can’t rate a fine wine, or don’t enjoy it when paired correctly. It also doesn’t mean I’m going to buy an Alton Brown salt cellar because I have any remote thought that owning his product will somehow make me cook like him. (I am gonna’ buy the thing, but I’m gonna buy it because I think it’s really nice, and it comes in colors… It’s a weakness, I know.)

While I may be unsure which airhead in production decides what I can handle on my cook top, I am sure as to the criteria I use to include a member of the celeb elite chefs and cooks on Food Network or her sister channels to rank of “bobblehead”. It’s time I share those criteria with you, so that you’ll know where I’m coming from.

It’s not that I’m cruel or bitter, I’ve just had far better examples of what a cooking show host should be teaching me. (Think Julia Child, Martin Yan, Mario Batali and the like.) And for those who have commented that some of the bobbleheads are actually very culinarily talented, please note:

I’ve never said that “all” food network bobbleheads were talentless, nor will I. Giada Delaurentis can cook, but She’s still a bobblehead. I get to say so, they’re my rules.

I’ll post more commentary at the end, but for now, let’s dive in, shall we?

Thirteen ways to become a member of the “Bobblehead Brigade”

1. Having a head that is disproportionately large for your body is not necessarily an immediate qualifier. Having a head that is disproportionately large for your body while possessing a smile large enough to be used as a reflective surface for lunar experiments and making strange facial expressions while nodding exaggeratedly, is.
2. Basing the concept of your show on someone else’s idea, claiming that it is, in fact, your own idea, then proving that you have no concept of the actual execution of said idea is an immediate qualifier. It’s also decidedly unintelligent, but hey, someone liked the idea.
3. Inventing new jazzy ways of saying a product name is pretty much a sure fire way to get into the bobblehead brigade. This is not an indicator of cooking skill, but I’ve been exposed to so much “kitsch” that I’ll automagically add you under the next rule of admission. I understand that every family has their own terms for some food items, and this will negate this entry rule. (i.e. “sandwich”, “sammich”, sammie” or other variations of this type.)
4. You will not attempt to gain fame using someone else’s proven method, you have to do it using your own talent. Attempting in any manner to be Rachael Ray will grant you automatic admission to the bobblehead brigade, with deductions in points for attempting to steal the unofficial Den mother’s fire.
5. Wearing any blouse that exposes more than 30% of your cleavage will not guarantee admission, but it will get me thinking about it. It should also be noted that you should use a mirror and an honest eye before going in front of the camera, you may look more foolish than appealing. (This rule does not apply to male members of the bobblehead brigade.)
   
6. Describing each and every food item served up on your show with the same four terms will grant immediate acceptance to the bobblehead brigade, but also into the annals of simpledom. There are 988,968 words in the English language*. Choose yours wisely.
7. Attempting to “dumb down” any program to fit the perceived abilities of the “home cook” will grant immediate admission to the bobblehead brigade. Please do remember that you can make very elegant dishes in a simple manner. This has been demonstrated for years on the very same network you are now denuding of personality by such talents as Sara Moulton, Mario Batali, Emeril Lagasse and Bobby Flay just to name a few, try learning from your mentors.
8. Hosting any food show from a set (diner mock up, hotel lobby, etc) while never leaving the studio as a mechanism for simply re-using old clips from episodes of other shows grants immediate entry into the bobblehead brigade. (note that this rule applies mostly to male bobbleheads, but is not exclusive)
9. Color coordinating every prop on your shows set to match your blouse is an immediate admission. It is also an affront to good taste. Please do not continue this practice. Also. Table decorations for a formal dinner setting should never be purchased at the dollar tree. this simply shows that you have no respect for your guests, not that you have some strange chotski talent that we were un-aware of.
   
10. Talking about absolutely nothing as a segue between actions will gain the attention of the panel, but will not guarantee admission into the brigade. Speaking of nothing while waving a sharp instrument will gain instant bobblehead status, and may also cost you an ear.
11. A “Deer-in-the-headlights” expression will not be considered a factor for admission into the bobblehead brigade, unless accompanied by a rambling, incoherent monologue that obviously has nothing to do with the foodstuff or method being discussed. In the event that the monologue is in fact relevant to the foodstuff or method in question, said expression will only be accepted as an admission requirement if, and only if the information given is dead wrong and presented with a vacuous smile.
12. Going all “diva” is an instant admission. Remember, you’re only as popular as we say you are. If you get snooty, you’ll end up like Miss Martha sooner or later, and will then have a place in the bobblehead hall of shame, as well as being despised by millions of formerly adoring fans.
    
13. Last, but not least by any any means; You are granted admission into the bobblehead brigade when, and if, I SAY So. As the sole member of the CbsoP! selection committee, I reserve the right to include or exclude any celebrity chef or celebrity cook from the roster as I see fit. One act of bobbleheadedness is not enough to gain any person permanent membership, as every celebrity has those moments, just like the rest of us. This final rule is immutable, and with that, I leave the floor open to suggestions from my readers as to whom they feel should be added to the list.

There you have it folks. The criteria by which I place and/or remove people from the ranks of the bobblehead brigade. The roster is finite, but my choices are my own, and you are, of course, free to disagree with any of them.

Until next week, happy TT!

References.

Language Monitor: Source for number of words in the English language.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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