I can’t help it, it makes me crazy. It doesn’t really matter who prepared the dish, be it myself, a friend, a chef, or a restaurant line-cook. It really doesn’t, I still get aggravated and the food snob in me wants to shout at the top of my lungs:

“HEY! Would you like some FOOD with that?”

But I digress. Please allow me to climb up on my soap-box and elucidate.

I know you’ve seen it, everyone has. You’ve worked your lil’ tush off in the kitchen, you’ve seasoned, flavored and tasted your dish until there is simply no way to make it any better, it’s perfect. Plates are served and you glance around the table, waiting to see if your masterpiece is appreciated by your guests as much as you hope it will be, awaiting that one-of-a-kind experience that comes from serving wonderful food to wonderful people and knowing that they’ve enjoyed it.

Then it happens.

One person in the group reaches for the salt, pepper, steak sauce, ketchup, cheese or other accompaniment and buries your carefully prepared meal under enough of their chosen condiment as to render the original flavor unrecognizable. They haven’t tasted your dish, nor will they ever, as it is now covered in enough of something else to be merely a supporting flavor to their addition, not the dish that you so lovingly assembled for them.

This particular variety of rudeness is simply unacceptable in my opinion.

I’ve seen it in restaurants as well. One experience in particular was so offensive to me that I literally prayed for the person responsible for the discomfort of my party, the wait staff, and the rest of the establishment to simply finish and go, so as not to have to hear the cries of “Waiter! Excuse me! Can I get some more cheese for this?”

Normally, asking for Parmesan in an Italian restaurant wouldn’t bother me, or anyone else. The fact that this person was asking for more every three minutes for the entire time she was there was simply too much to tolerate. I have to wonder why someone would eat in an establishment where they detested the food so much that they were forced to mask the flavor completely by burying it under something else. Loudly. Every few minutes.

This particular variety of rudeness is simply unacceptable in my opinion.

Thankfully she and her party exited the restaurant before we were presented with our main courses, otherwise I would have had to say something, and it most likely would have been quite rude.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not against condiments and spices. I regularly prepare and serve them alongside a dish, especially when those items serve to enhance the original flavors presented. I wouldn’t expect someone to eat fried potatoes or hash-browns without ketchup or hot sauce (or cheese, in this neck of the woods), I do these things myself. I have no ill feelings toward someone who’s tried a dish, then opts for more salt or pepper, especially since I’m on a low sodium diet, and therefore go light on the salt. (which I usually add at the last minute so that it’s not lost with all the other flavors.) People have different palettes, and once the dish is tasted, it is quite acceptable to “kick it up” a bit.

My issue lies in someone assuming that they won’t like something before they’ve given it a chance. This attitude is disrespectful of the person who’s made the dish for you, and should be taught to children to be a practice that is unacceptable in public, like picking your nose, or smacking your bubble gum.

If you order a dish in a restaurant and it does not meet your approval, it is acceptable to send it back. There is no need to douse it in something to disguise the flavor, just order something else. Most establishments will handle this with grace and poise, and will rush your alternate choice to the table.

If you’re in the uncomfortable position of not caring for something at a dinner party,simply state that it’s not to your taste, smile and compliment the cook on something he or she made that you did enjoy. Smothering the dish under a ton of condiment just so that you can palette something is just as much of an insult as it is to turn to your host and say “This Sucks!” Make the evening about what you loved, not what you didn’t, and be sure to compliment your host on the good things on your way out.

For those people out there who just “have-to-have” a certain condiment with a particular dish, give the chef a bit of respect and try what’s in front of you before you ask if they’ve got your favorite topping. If you still just “have-to-have-it”, try phrasing the question something like this:

“Man, this <whatever dish it is> is good. have you ever tried it with<Your condiment of choice>? It’s very good. If you’ve got some I’ll add it to mine and you can give it a try!”

Not only will you get to indulge in your food with your favorite condiment involved, but you may just find that your host likes it as well, that way everyone is happy.

Thanks for tuning in to this edition of The Food Snob Chronicles. I’ll be stepping off my soap box now, I’ve just been informed that it’s blocking a fire exit.

Until next time,

The Food Snob.

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