It’s that time of the Apocalypse calendar again.  Zombie outbreaks loom on the horizon and here at CbsoP, we take these things seriously.  In this edition I’m going to give you a few pointers for ways that common pantry items could help save you and your family during a possible zombie outbreak.  Read carefully, this information could save your life.

This information is presented in no specific order of importance.  I know that not all pantries contain the same ingredients, so I’ll try to be as general as possible, hoping that I can cover at least a few of the items that you might already have at hand during a trying time like this…

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This is a true story sent to my wife.  It was so hilarious I just had to pass it along!

*PREGNANT TURKEY STORY *

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s
house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my
sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the
store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey
out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and
pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on
her face, my mother exclaimed,

‘Patricia,
You’ve cooked a pregnant bird!’

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started
to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!

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This from the equal rights and opportunities department at CbsoP.com. Because we care about all of our readers, even those who may no longer be among the living, just as long as their rotting fingers can click on an ad, that is. Or in case of some strange post apocalyptic catastrophe that should render any of my currently living readers among the legions of the walking dead, we still want to make sure that you’re eating as you should and in that bent, I present you with:

The Zombie Food Pyramid

So please, be sure to keep nutrition in mind over the Holiday season. I’d hate to see any stomach problems. (Assuming you still have one, that is.)

This image is from The Zombie Survival & Defense Wiki. If you thought it was chuckle worthy, please visit their site nd give them some love!

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Bread Is Dangerous

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.

Reprinted from Physics 1021

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